From the archives: Bloomberg to ban alcohol in NYC bars

The bombings at the Boston Marathon today has left everyone in shock. With that in mind, I decided to post an old column I did when I was writing about local NYC issues for…Ack! I thought we could use a chuckle. This is from 2011.


Fresh on the heels of his latest victory to ban smoking outside, Bloomberg has set his sights on bars. He is proposing that alcohol be banned from bars.

At a press conference in front of a large poster of Carrie Nation, he said that children walking by these bars may look inside and see people drinking alcohol which would turn them into alcoholics in addition to being morbidly obese chain smokers who drink too much soda. He said that along with the alcohol ban, he is instituting a ban on signs that say “Bar” or “Tavern” as this might induce children to ask their parents what those words mean which would, again, turn them into alcoholics, in addition to being morbidly obese chain smokers who drink too much soda.

Flanked by his health commissioner Dr. Thomas Farley, the mayor warned of the dangers of second-hand alcohol smell on children. Farley, a prominent buzz killer, nodded in agreement.

He also announced that he would order the Parks Department to confiscate any beverage being consumed from a paper bag as it may contain harmful soda.

Bloomberg was supported in his efforts by a coalition of miserable people who can’t stand the idea that someone, somewhere in New York is enjoying themselves.

There are too many people enjoying themselves in New York City,” the mayor said. “And they are not the type we want in our city. They aren’t rich enough or obnoxious enough. Our public spaces aren’t for the average New Yorker to enjoy a cold beer on a hot summer day, they’re for tourists.

Although the press conference was called to specifically announce these new initiatives, Bloomberg took questions on a variety of issues.

Asked about his support of gay marriage, he said that it was “Okay to be gay as long as you’re not too gay, like me. Get married to a person of the opposite sex, have children, divorce and then be gay.”

The mayor also responded to a question about the idea of spending hundreds of millions on pedestrian plazas and bike lanes when firehouses were closing and teachers were being laid off.

Let me say this about that,” the mayor snipped. “The 0.6% of the population of our city that want to make a statement by commuting with children’s toys should be applauded, not scorned. Firefighters and teachers are common people who don’t have the same vision for New York. He also noted that the only people who have fires are poor and not every child is entitled to a quality education if they can’t afford it.

If they want to learn to read, get a job and pay to learn. We can’t be held hostage to everybody that wants an education. Where will our minimum wage workers of the future come from?”

The press conference ended with an announcement by DOT commissioner, Janette-Sadik “Genghis” Khan who enthusiastically said the City’s plan to rid New York City of its antiquated urban ethos was on track. She noted that within 10 years New York City would be the suburban oasis it can be.

She then climbed into the back of a limousine rather than hopping on her bike and utilizing one of the hundreds of miles of bike lanes.